Excerpt from the Book “How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign” by Adele Lang.
Being in the early stages of a relationship with a Scorpio man, I find this to be a real fucking hoot.
All those dark, brooding, monosyllabic types, who fill the pages of cheap romantic novels with their strong jaws and piercing eyes, are Scorpios. You know the story: boy meets girl. Boy tortures girl because of a series of very silly misunderstandings and because he enjoys it. Girl becomes a psychological wreck. Boy sweeps girl into his arms and mumbles something about undying love. (He has to sweep her into his arms because by this stage the poor woman has completely fallen apart.). This is where the book ends. There is a very good reason for this. Mills & Boon know what is to come is far too awful to be published. Yet, this paperback ideal of love still manages to override the common sense of most women. We find the strong, silent, manipulative type irresistible. And we sit prettily on our hope chests with our long auburn curls in charming disarray, waiting breathlessly with much fluttering of eyelashes for Scorpio to stride into our lives. (NB: Romantic heroes never walk, they always stride – manfully and purposefully. Its dreadfully tiring for them, and its one of the reasons why they are so moody and irritable.) And once a Scorpio bastard arrives? Well, there’s nothing like a spot of good-old-fashioned-bodice-ripping to get things started. Just swoon gracefully into his arms and let him have his wicked way with you. Then have your head examined.
The strong, silent type is what you should look for when purchasing white goods. Whilst these are desirable attributes in a washing machine, you won’t enjoy them in Scorpio. He is strong. Much stronger than you. Which means when there’s a fight, you’ll lose. And he is silent. Which means communication within the relationship is going to be a little one-sided. Holding back information is actually one of his favourite pastimes. Mostly because it upsets you. Well, what did you expect? Anyone described as “dark” and “brooding” is not going to be a naturally open, caring, sharing person. And Scorpio has a dark side that makes Darth Vader look like Mr. Whippy. As for brooding ability, he leaves Heathcliffe out on the moors: he’ll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. And your death will only appease him a little. However, you’ll never even know he has a grudge against you. A Scorpio bastard won’t confront you openly. That would be too much like fair play. He’s more likely to watch and wait – decades if necessary – for the chance to launch an attack when you’re not paying attention. And when it finally hits, it’ll make a stealth bomber look weak and clumsy.
Unfortunately, because of the amount of literature (if books featuring Fabio on the cover, count as literature) you’ve absorbed, you’ll class all his behavior as normal. You’ll revel in all the angst. Being miserable all the time must mean it’s true love. This is all so romantic. You’ll even be flattered by his possessiveness (despite the fact that you’re not allowed to go anywhere of see anyone). It means he can’t bear to be without you. Of course, he can’t bear to be with you either – not when there are still so many things wrong with you.
He’ll manipulate you until you become exactly what he wants you to be. Then he’ll lose respect for you, as you’re so easily manipulated. Then he’ll start looking around for someone else to manipulate. This is when you start looking around too. For reputable psychiatric help. Because, in the midst of torturing you, Scorpio will suddenly turn into a model of gentleness and consideration. He’ll even be kind to animals (standard behavior for all romantic hero types – designed to suck you into believing they have a soft, sensitive side). Don’t be fooled. Its just part if the callous game he’s playing with your mental and emotional health. His objective is to annihilate you. But if he can make you believe he is capable of such an act, it makes it all so much more fun when he actually does destroy you.
And destroy you he will. This is what Scorpio does best. And besides, its how he likes to spend his spare time. Once you are a broken mess on the floor he’ll pick you up and glue the pieces, so you are whole once more, and he can start all over again. He takes his hobby very seriously. It brings him hours of enjoyment and allows him to explore his destructive talents. And you’ll get something out of it too. A hobby of your own: a lifelong obsession with him. Which allows you to spend your spare time in expensive 12-step programs undergoing extensive counselling. Check into group therapy when you find yourself getting upset just because he is sleeping with other women. It’s really none of your business. You are only his girlfriend / wife / mother of his children. And anyway, you’ll meet his mistress soon enough when she joins the group after she discovers he is doing the same thing to her. Then you can console each other about your mutual stupidity. You’ll both be introduced to a nationwide Unhealthily Obsessed Co-dependant Support Network for Women who have dated Scorpio. It comes with a 24-hour hotline, which you’ll put to very good use. (This is a free-of-charge service, one of many sponsored by the Aspiring Romantic Novelists Association who use it for research purposes.)
The reason Scorpio inspires such obsessive behavior is because he is so obsessive himself – about sex. He thinks about it twice as much as other men, which basically means it’s on his mind all the time. Which makes him the blueprint for the complete and utter bastard. Which in turn, makes women think he’s sexy. Which therefore means he really can’t help but catch one or two of the airborne little-black-dress-clad oestrogen packages continually heading his way. (Warning: Don’t be tempted to have an affair yourself to get back at your Scorpio bastard. Right now, you’re in no emotional state to witness a jealous streak the size of the San Andreas Fault. This is probably unnecessary advice, as you won’t have time between those ever-increasing therapy sessions and that compulsive shopping habit you recently developed. And, lets face it, the nervous twitch and chronic alcoholism aren’t exactly going to be attracting men in droves.)
If it helps your sanity, blame the other poor, obsessed women. Or their therapists. Or the government. Or, better yet, blame yourself. No one forced you to read all those ridiculous love stories. You wanted a club-wielding, hair-dragging, heroic bastard. You’ve got him. Now you have to live with him. So, just throw yourself into his arms or under the next passing truck. Either way, the ending will be the same.
HOW TO SPOT ONE
When a Scorpio bastard looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you, even if you’re in a very public place and you find him most unattractive.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
Follow the trail of emotional wrecks to his door. Or, better still, let him find you. Because then, at least, you won’t be the one who started the relationship which ruined your life.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Be sunny and happy and full of life. He won’t be able to resist the challenge of luring you into the pits of hell. Once there, just be whatever he wants you to be. Holding onto your personality will only cause you a lot of unnecessary pain.
THE FIRST DATE
Scorpio will charm you into submission. Or else he’ll worm his way into your life and affections without you noticing – like cancer or some other terminal disease. And after just one date, he’ll know everything there is to know about you, and you’ll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the entire relationship.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Because Scorpio has so many hidden agendas, you’ll never be able to pick the right time. So go to bed when he wants to, generally just after you’ve been introduced. (Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star, but somehow give the impression you’ve never done it before.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you feel the inclination to do this, have yourself committed.
IF HE DROPS YOU
Trying to exact revenge will only serve to amuse Scorpio, as your attempts will seem so amateur. Besides, he’ll be flattered he still has total control over your emotions and your life. On the other hand, running after him, doing your best impersonation of a doormat will only invite him to clean his boots on you. Don’t waste your energy. You’ll need it over the next few years, just to get through therapy.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He’ll get over it. If, however, he thinks you’ve slighted him, its best to watch out for yourself and take extra precautions for the next ten or 20 years – at least.
Every single thing is dead on.. It’s frightening.
Courtesy of this BLOG
The female Scorpio has a deep, mysterious beauty. She’s magnetic, proud and totally confident. But she has one secret regret. She was not born a man.
I can almost feel the heat from here when Pluto women hear about that revelation. There’s not a Scorpio female alive who doesn’t think she’s all woman, and you may wonder what I’m talking about yourself, if you’re in love with one. This girl certainly has enough glamour, and she’s enormously seductive. But I didn’t say she looked like a boy, nor did I intend to imply she doesn’t do a bang-up job of being a female. It’s just that, unconsciously, she would prefer to be a man. Less restriction-more opportunity. It’s the one secret she even hides from herself, and seeing it exposed won’t sit well with her.
Once the Scorpio girl has figured out the difference between blue booties and pink booties, she’ll resign herself to wearing the pink ones, because she’s fabulous at making the best out of a situation. But pink is not her natural color. The true shade of her nature is dark maroon, or deep wine-red, not a female color at all. However, to give her proper tribute, she’s able to make you think it is. I know one who’s great at pretending to be a fragile, fluffy kitten. She purrs so contentedly most men guess she’s an ultra-feminine Piscean. They topple into her trap and wake up later, sadder but wiser. She is no kitten.
Scorpio women have a scornful contempt for members of their sex who flop in the roles of sweetheart, wife and mother, once they’re stuck with the parts. A Pluto girl will control her desire to dominate, while she gives a glorious performance of womanhood, and she’ll do it with more finess than the masculine Aries, Leo or Sagittarius girl. At least she’ll do it during courtship. There may be a few cases when the unsuspecting male gets a rude surprise after he shakes the rice out of his shoes and the illusions out of his eyes. Unlike the Mars female, for example, a Scorpio will subdue her drive and magnetize a man with the heavy perfume of her exotic glance as she allows him to use his lighter to ignite her cigarette. That’s far sexier than aggressively striking a match herself and blowing the smoke in his face, and she knows it. She knows lots more. Another girl might rush headlong into your arms and shout her love from the rooftops. The Scorpio girl walks toward you slowly, seductively, and silently delivers her private message. It’s puzzling, but these women can look seductive in jeans, jodhpurs or basketball shoes. Maybe it’s her husky voice that creates the image. I know one who wore a baseball cap (honest) the entire time her future husband was courting her, and she spent a lot of time talking about batting averages. But she was as seductive as Mata Hari just the same, and she got her man. (He was hypnotized, as usual.)
You can give her a tumble, but she won’t fall all over herself reacting to your overtures. Don’t expect her to bat long, sweeping eyelashes at you, and adore you with blind devotion. Lots of female Scorpios are tomboys with stubby eyelashes. Besides, with those beautiful, mysterious eyes that can read your mind so clearly, she doesn’t need any extra trimming. Whisper something romantic that would melt another girl out of her senses, and the Scorpio girl will simply give you an intense, penetrating look that will see right straight through to your real intentions. She’s a human X-ray machine, so don’t flirt. Unless you mean business, you’re wasting her time and insulting her. I wouldn’t advise you to insult a Scorpio. It’s just not healthy. If you don’t know what I mean, ask someone who has. He may have some stories to tell that will curl your hair.
I’m well aware that this dangerous femme fatale can hide her power of retaliation with a tremulous smile, gentle mannerisms, and the most breathless voice this side of an angel. But astrologers are expected to be up on these things. It’s more important for you to be well aware. After all, you’re the one who’s seeking to tame her-or protect yourself against her-whichever. Probably both.
You can be sure that heaven certainly has no fury like that of a Scorpio woman who’s lost her normal steady control over those inward, seething, Pluto emotions. She can be overbearing and domineering, sarcastic and frigid- then turn as hot as an oven at 500 degrees Fahrenheit. She can hate with bitter venom and love with fierce abandon. She can shriek like a furious banshee or whisper like an affectionate turtle dove. One thing you can be sure of- she’s never wishy-washy.
The Scorpio woman has a disconcerting gift that can make icy shivers run up your spine. It’s a peculiar form of black magic, and she weaves it so expertly it can seem like real witchcraft. You have very little chance to escape, once her eyes meet yours. Because of her mystical sixth sense, she can often recognize a future mate at first glance, and somehow, she’ll transfer this perception instantly. You’ll have one of two reactions. You’ll be hopelessly caught in her spell, and down you’ll go, in a dizzy spin toward surrender, or you’ll be scared right out of your socks, and feel like running for help. What’s your rush? Stay around awhile. You might find out what life is all about. She knows. And she’ll teach you. Anyway, you should be flattered that she considers you worth that strange gaze. A Scorpio woman can’t excuse weakness in a man. She looks for ambition and courage. She wants a mate who can dominate her and make her proud, without disturbing her secret individuality. He’s expected to be strong, masculine and better-looking than average. A high degree of intelligence is required to match her own excellent mind, plus more than a passing acquaintance with abstract, philosophical wisdom. So put your socks back on and practice a superior smirk. Everybody you know will think you’re pretty super to have her staring at you. The men and women both. It could open new vistas, when you think about it. Your personal stock should zoom several points higher than it was before she noticed you.
Having once achieved closeness with a female Scorpio, you can be positive you’re a unique and unusual man. You can also be sure that her love for you is unmatched by any you’ll ever experience-and you can take that in several ways. You’ll be the most important interest in her life. If she’s a typical Pluto girl, she’ll boost you loyally, and try to please you with passionate intensity. If you’re too hard to please, she’ll show her frustration with passionate attempts to conquer your disinterest.
The word “passionate” probably caught your eye. Most men have heard exciting rumors about the passion of November females. It’s true. She’s brimming over inside with passion, though it’s kept under rigid control by a poised, frosty attitude toward strangers, and a surface smoothness suggestive of black velvet. But the male sex is too inclined to relate passion strictly to romantic action; and that’s selling her short, because Pluto’s definition of the word is far more encompassing. It’s involved with her feelings about everything she touches. She’s never just slightly interested. It’s impossible for her to be detached or casual. She seldom likes or dislikes a play, a book, religion, furniture or people. She either bitterly resents or she intensely worships. If one of these two passions can’t be aroused, then she totally ignores, with ice around the edges. Yet, through it all, she’ll remain essentially untouched by emotional storms, judging at least from her placid exterior, which always drapes itself around her after each minor or major nuclear explosion. It may be difficult to convince your mother-in-law that her daughter really broke all those dishes and tore all those draperies to shreds after the fury has subsided and her black velvet poise has returned. People may look at you as if you’re a character assassinator. What do you mean? Shame on you, accusing that cool, controlled, lovely girl of such a temper. You have my sympathy, if that’s any help.
She has such fabulous virtues, you might know her vices wouldn’t be skimpy, either. So think about her good points. All right, then, think about her good points after that lump on your head has healed.
Because she’s drawn to investigation of the shadows, she may at first seem to be tempting, forbidden fruit, and the deep, strange expression in her eyes intensifies the impression. It’s true that the Scorpio girl sometimes wanders into dangerous waters in her efforts to penetrate life, and since there’s not the slightest trace of fear in her (unless she has an affliction to her Moon, and is full of nameless terrors), her search may indeed take her into some weird byways. But the typical Scorpio will emerge from any discovery still strong and pure. If she allows the journey to soil her inner spirit, Pluto will punish her with anguished remorse and guilt; yet she can still call on her great strength of character to rise again, like the phoenix, from the ashes of her experiments. In Kahlil Gibran’s writings, the Prophet replies, in answer to a question about Evil, “Of the Good in you I can speak, but not of the Evil. For what is Evil but Good-tortured by its own hunger and thirst? When Good is hungry, it seeks food, even in dark caves, and when it thirsts, it drinks even of dead waters.” A perfect description of Scorpio.
She may have been a fascinated spectator to a million human foibles, and she may have tasted a variety of experiences to savor the knowledge. But she can mysteriously emerge from all her explorations above suspicion, and still superior to almost every other woman you know. She could be the keeper of quite a few secrets. It’s surprising how many dark deeds are confessed to Scorpios, though their own inner lives are marked: “Private-Keep Out.” She likes to hear secrets, but she’ll seldom tell anything anyone has confided in her, not even to you (unless there’s an afflicted Mercury in her natal chart). You can also expect her to have a stack of secrets that relate to her personally, and don’t try to pry them out of her. There’s a private part to this woman you’ll never touch, a part of her mind and soul that belongs strictly to her, and there’s absolutely no trespassing there. She’s not untruthful, in fact she’s more oftien too brutally honest, yet there will always be those special thoughts and feelings she won’t confide to you or anyone else.
A Scorpio woman will be incredibly loyal to those she finds strong and deserving, but the weak ones will never be honored by her glance. Her dignity in human relationships can make her seem aloof and snobbish. In a way, she definitely is, because she practices a personal caste system, and it’s more clearly marked than that of her Leo and Capricorn sisters. All Scorpios are highly selective in friendships. They’ll keep the worthy companions through an entire lifetime, and freeze the shallow, the common or the unworthy. There’s an immense store of perseverance and determination buried in the nature of a Scorpio woman, and any time she chooses, she can call on these to help her master the excesses which may tempt her, from drink and drugs to self-destructive, ruthless revenge and dangerous depression. Sooner or later, she’ll probably investigate some form of the occult, and ancient mysteries and unseen worlds will eventually have her respect, though Scorpios can range all the way from religious fervor to total atheism during a lifetime.
A Scorpio woman need not be a legal wife to give wifely love and devotion. If circumstances beyond your control make marriage impossible, she’ll love you from hell to breakfast, and not give a hang what the neighbors think. In most such unusual situations, the relationship is real and honest above and beyond the shallow, selfish love of many a legitimate marriage. The hypocrisies of society will never keep this courageous woman from seeking the sun. She answers to no law but her own, and in her Pluto heart, she has more total understanding of the vow “till death do us part” than half the brides who blissfully murmur the phrase.
.Despite her own strong individualism, the typical Scorpio girl will let her man be the boss. Instead of overshadowing him with her force and drive, she’ll apply her talents to help him attain his goals. Your future will be important to her, and she’s not likely to insist on retaining her own career after marriage (unless you’ve disappointed her deeply or a second job is needed in a temporary domestic crisis). She may fight you wildly in private, but she’ll defend you fiercely in public. She won’t stand for anyone maligning you or taking advantage of you. Those who try will feel the lash of her righteous anger. Your happiness will always come first. Unless there are adverse aspects to her Sun sign or ascendant in her natal chart, she’ll patiently help you persevere until you get what you want, and while you’re getting it, she won’t whine or complain or become restless, though she might turn a little bitter if you lose your courage on the way. She’ll expect you to aim as high as your abilities will reach. Anything less may bring on some pretty sarcastic taunts and reproaches, especially if she has an afflicted Mercury.
Scorpio women love their homes, which usually shine with cleanliness, taste and comfort. Meals are served on time, and things are generally under control. If the opposite is true, something is making her mighty unhappy, because her natural inclination is to beauty and system. To the typical Scorpio woman spring cleaning is like vacation. They love to dig into comers to see what they can find. Just be careful she doesn’t find any cryptic notes that smell of perfume in your old jacket pockets when she’s clearing out the closets. Scorpio is unreasonably suspicious, even when there’s no basis for suspicion, so you can imagine what happens when she finds a real clue to possible infidelity. Picture the shape of a mushroom cloud and you’ll get a general idea of what may happen, figuratively speaking. It’s no good being suspicious of her, no matter how many opportunities arise; and there will be a goodly number of them, because she never exposes her deepest feelings. Naturally, this can arouse a few questions on your part. Just swallow them, along with the lump in your throat. Like that locked chest or drawer she’s had since childhood, certain things about her are off limits. It will get you nowhere to probe. I realize fully that it isn’t fair. So does she. But that doesn’t change things a bit. That’s the way it is. Take her or leave her. You’ll probably take her. It’s almost impossible to leave her. If nothing else, she’ll haunt you the rest of your life. Adjusting to the idiosyncrasies of her nature is easier than suffering the nightmares that will surely result if you walk away. No one walks away from a Scorpio. Not really. Didn’t you know that? Those who have tried can educate you. Anyway, you have a very special woman.
As much as she needs the security of home roots, shell move if it’s necessary to your career, and without any visible flinching at the uprooting. She makes an excellent wife for an army or navy man and a real jewel for a politician. There’s no one she can’t see through, no deception that escapes her. A Scorpio woman can tell you exactly who can be trusted and which ones you have to watch. The Pisces wife has the same ability, but she may be too soft to criticize, too ready to make excuses for the failings of others. Not so the Scorpio female. In fact, she may frequently have to check her sharp tongue and tone down her brutal analysis.
In the budget department, Scorpio women are completely unpredictable. She can scrimp and save and pinch a penny until it bends double, then have a sudden spell of being magnificently extravagant. One thing is sure. She’ll enjoy money, whether she saves it in an old shoe or spends it on luxury. But this woman always leans heavily toward prestige, and she won’t let cash compromise that. She’ll be satisfied if you choose a smaller income, as long as it insures that you are your own boss, with the potential to rise to become somebody of influence, Scorpio females like power, and they will sacrifice much for it. Your power will do, because Pluto allows her to be adept at living vicariously through others when it suits her. Remember that although she’ll sacrifice and put up with very little for a planned goal, she’s too proud to live amid shabby surroundings forever, and she’ll become mighty sour and discontented if she’s forced to do so for an unreasonable length of time. She’ll either try to force a change in the family fortunes after a certain period, or she’ll gradually retreat into the dismal world of the gray lizard, outwardly accepting and almost seeming to enjoy poverty, but inwardly intensely bitter.
She’ll be possessive but she won’t want to be possessed. One of the worst traits of both male and female Scorpios is a refusal to see any viewpoint but their own when the emotions are involved. It takes weeks of introspection to bring them around to a semblance of humility. Her natural interest in the opposite sex, even if it remains platonic, may give you as much reason to be jealous of her as she is of you. She’ll probably fascinate every male in sight on occasion, and you may have to sit by while they’re mesmerized. It seldom leads to anything serious, but it can cause some uncomfortable moments. It can also lead to some explosive disagreements. In the heat of battle, it pays to remember that her compulsion to even the score usually makes her the winner in any kind of skirmish. She gets the last word. If you tell her a lie, she may tell two. If you stubbornly refuse to kiss her good-bye in the morning after a tiff, she may refuse to kiss you goodnight for a month. Just let your mother (or anybody’s mother) criticize her cooking, and the Scorpio woman may forget to invite her to dinner for several Sundays in a row. An accidental injury, however, she’ll forgive, if she knows it’s unintentional. The Scorpio sense of justice is as strong as the sense of revenge. Most people forget this. She’ll remember every kindness and give you back double for that, too. It works both ways.
With the children, her expression of love may lack a certain tenderness and open demonstration, but the youngsters will probably sense her deep devotion and feel emotionally secure anyway. A Scorpio mother won’t let the talents of her children go unnoticed or gather dust. She’ll spend many an hour encouraging them toward higher goals, and be willing to provide any support they need. Her offspring will find her strong and helpful when youthful problems arise, because her knowledge of human nature makes her a wise counselor. She’ll teach them to meet difficulties with her own courage. But she can be bund to their faults, an attitude which can naturally cause a lot of trouble if it isn’t recognized and checked in time. Anyone she imagines is a threat to the happiness of her children, in any way, however small, will be crushed, and I’m afraid that includes her husband. She won’t appreciate it if he’s stricter with them than she thinks he ought to be.
A Scorpio woman will sometimes nearly drown you in her passion for living, yet in a real storm, her cool, calm reason and steely strength will be a life raft. Though she works her magic in strange and secret ways, her haunting eyes will always gaze at you with basic honesty, even while she remains just beyond the reach of human understanding. She’s a little dangerous, perhaps, but undeniably exciting. Let other husbands cope with the flighty girls. You’ve known the compelling mystery of a lovely witch who brews a pretty good cup of tea and never bums your toast. (Well, almost never.) When the cup is empty, let her read the tea leaves for you. She can-if she wants to.
You mean you didn’t know? I told you there are things she keeps to herself….
David Blaine is going to surround himself with 7 ‘tesla coils’ and Andrew W.K is going to be playing a million volt keyboard solo through his body for 3 days and 3 nights.
Sunday October 7 at 7:30 Pier 54, New York City