Excerpt from the Book “How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign” by Adele Lang.
Being in the early stages of a relationship with a Scorpio man, I find this to be a real fucking hoot.
All those dark, brooding, monosyllabic types, who fill the pages of cheap romantic novels with their strong jaws and piercing eyes, are Scorpios. You know the story: boy meets girl. Boy tortures girl because of a series of very silly misunderstandings and because he enjoys it. Girl becomes a psychological wreck. Boy sweeps girl into his arms and mumbles something about undying love. (He has to sweep her into his arms because by this stage the poor woman has completely fallen apart.). This is where the book ends. There is a very good reason for this. Mills & Boon know what is to come is far too awful to be published. Yet, this paperback ideal of love still manages to override the common sense of most women. We find the strong, silent, manipulative type irresistible. And we sit prettily on our hope chests with our long auburn curls in charming disarray, waiting breathlessly with much fluttering of eyelashes for Scorpio to stride into our lives. (NB: Romantic heroes never walk, they always stride – manfully and purposefully. Its dreadfully tiring for them, and its one of the reasons why they are so moody and irritable.) And once a Scorpio bastard arrives? Well, there’s nothing like a spot of good-old-fashioned-bodice-ripping to get things started. Just swoon gracefully into his arms and let him have his wicked way with you. Then have your head examined.
The strong, silent type is what you should look for when purchasing white goods. Whilst these are desirable attributes in a washing machine, you won’t enjoy them in Scorpio. He is strong. Much stronger than you. Which means when there’s a fight, you’ll lose. And he is silent. Which means communication within the relationship is going to be a little one-sided. Holding back information is actually one of his favourite pastimes. Mostly because it upsets you. Well, what did you expect? Anyone described as “dark” and “brooding” is not going to be a naturally open, caring, sharing person. And Scorpio has a dark side that makes Darth Vader look like Mr. Whippy. As for brooding ability, he leaves Heathcliffe out on the moors: he’ll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. And your death will only appease him a little. However, you’ll never even know he has a grudge against you. A Scorpio bastard won’t confront you openly. That would be too much like fair play. He’s more likely to watch and wait – decades if necessary – for the chance to launch an attack when you’re not paying attention. And when it finally hits, it’ll make a stealth bomber look weak and clumsy.
Unfortunately, because of the amount of literature (if books featuring Fabio on the cover, count as literature) you’ve absorbed, you’ll class all his behavior as normal. You’ll revel in all the angst. Being miserable all the time must mean it’s true love. This is all so romantic. You’ll even be flattered by his possessiveness (despite the fact that you’re not allowed to go anywhere of see anyone). It means he can’t bear to be without you. Of course, he can’t bear to be with you either – not when there are still so many things wrong with you.
He’ll manipulate you until you become exactly what he wants you to be. Then he’ll lose respect for you, as you’re so easily manipulated. Then he’ll start looking around for someone else to manipulate. This is when you start looking around too. For reputable psychiatric help. Because, in the midst of torturing you, Scorpio will suddenly turn into a model of gentleness and consideration. He’ll even be kind to animals (standard behavior for all romantic hero types – designed to suck you into believing they have a soft, sensitive side). Don’t be fooled. Its just part if the callous game he’s playing with your mental and emotional health. His objective is to annihilate you. But if he can make you believe he is capable of such an act, it makes it all so much more fun when he actually does destroy you.
And destroy you he will. This is what Scorpio does best. And besides, its how he likes to spend his spare time. Once you are a broken mess on the floor he’ll pick you up and glue the pieces, so you are whole once more, and he can start all over again. He takes his hobby very seriously. It brings him hours of enjoyment and allows him to explore his destructive talents. And you’ll get something out of it too. A hobby of your own: a lifelong obsession with him. Which allows you to spend your spare time in expensive 12-step programs undergoing extensive counselling. Check into group therapy when you find yourself getting upset just because he is sleeping with other women. It’s really none of your business. You are only his girlfriend / wife / mother of his children. And anyway, you’ll meet his mistress soon enough when she joins the group after she discovers he is doing the same thing to her. Then you can console each other about your mutual stupidity. You’ll both be introduced to a nationwide Unhealthily Obsessed Co-dependant Support Network for Women who have dated Scorpio. It comes with a 24-hour hotline, which you’ll put to very good use. (This is a free-of-charge service, one of many sponsored by the Aspiring Romantic Novelists Association who use it for research purposes.)
The reason Scorpio inspires such obsessive behavior is because he is so obsessive himself – about sex. He thinks about it twice as much as other men, which basically means it’s on his mind all the time. Which makes him the blueprint for the complete and utter bastard. Which in turn, makes women think he’s sexy. Which therefore means he really can’t help but catch one or two of the airborne little-black-dress-clad oestrogen packages continually heading his way. (Warning: Don’t be tempted to have an affair yourself to get back at your Scorpio bastard. Right now, you’re in no emotional state to witness a jealous streak the size of the San Andreas Fault. This is probably unnecessary advice, as you won’t have time between those ever-increasing therapy sessions and that compulsive shopping habit you recently developed. And, lets face it, the nervous twitch and chronic alcoholism aren’t exactly going to be attracting men in droves.)
If it helps your sanity, blame the other poor, obsessed women. Or their therapists. Or the government. Or, better yet, blame yourself. No one forced you to read all those ridiculous love stories. You wanted a club-wielding, hair-dragging, heroic bastard. You’ve got him. Now you have to live with him. So, just throw yourself into his arms or under the next passing truck. Either way, the ending will be the same.
HOW TO SPOT ONE
When a Scorpio bastard looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you, even if you’re in a very public place and you find him most unattractive.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
Follow the trail of emotional wrecks to his door. Or, better still, let him find you. Because then, at least, you won’t be the one who started the relationship which ruined your life.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Be sunny and happy and full of life. He won’t be able to resist the challenge of luring you into the pits of hell. Once there, just be whatever he wants you to be. Holding onto your personality will only cause you a lot of unnecessary pain.
THE FIRST DATE
Scorpio will charm you into submission. Or else he’ll worm his way into your life and affections without you noticing – like cancer or some other terminal disease. And after just one date, he’ll know everything there is to know about you, and you’ll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the entire relationship.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Because Scorpio has so many hidden agendas, you’ll never be able to pick the right time. So go to bed when he wants to, generally just after you’ve been introduced. (Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star, but somehow give the impression you’ve never done it before.)
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you feel the inclination to do this, have yourself committed.
IF HE DROPS YOU
Trying to exact revenge will only serve to amuse Scorpio, as your attempts will seem so amateur. Besides, he’ll be flattered he still has total control over your emotions and your life. On the other hand, running after him, doing your best impersonation of a doormat will only invite him to clean his boots on you. Don’t waste your energy. You’ll need it over the next few years, just to get through therapy.
IF YOU DROP HIM
He’ll get over it. If, however, he thinks you’ve slighted him, its best to watch out for yourself and take extra precautions for the next ten or 20 years – at least.