The Dark Side of Scorpio Men…

Image

Excerpt from the Book “How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign” by Adele Lang.

Being in the early stages of a relationship with a Scorpio man, I find this to be a real fucking hoot.

………………………………….

All those dark, brooding, monosyllabic types, who fill the pages of cheap romantic novels with their strong jaws and piercing eyes, are Scorpios. You know the story: boy meets girl. Boy tortures girl because of a series of very silly misunderstandings and because he enjoys it. Girl becomes a psychological wreck. Boy sweeps girl into his arms and mumbles something about undying love. (He has to sweep her into his arms because by this stage the poor woman has completely fallen apart.). This is where the book ends. There is a very good reason for this. Mills & Boon know what is to come is far too awful to be published. Yet, this paperback ideal of love still manages to override the common sense of most women. We find the strong, silent, manipulative type irresistible. And we sit prettily on our hope chests with our long auburn curls in charming disarray, waiting breathlessly with much fluttering of eyelashes for Scorpio to stride into our lives. (NB: Romantic heroes never walk, they always stride – manfully and purposefully. Its dreadfully tiring for them, and its one of the reasons why they are so moody and irritable.) And once a Scorpio bastard arrives? Well, there’s nothing like a spot of good-old-fashioned-bodice-ripping to get things started. Just swoon gracefully into his arms and let him have his wicked way with you. Then have your head examined.

The strong, silent type is what you should look for when purchasing white goods. Whilst these are desirable attributes in a washing machine, you won’t enjoy them in Scorpio. He is strong. Much stronger than you. Which means when there’s a fight, you’ll lose. And he is silent. Which means communication within the relationship is going to be a little one-sided. Holding back information is actually one of his favourite pastimes. Mostly because it upsets you. Well, what did you expect? Anyone described as “dark” and “brooding” is not going to be a naturally open, caring, sharing person. And Scorpio has a dark side that makes Darth Vader look like Mr. Whippy. As for brooding ability, he leaves Heathcliffe out on the moors: he’ll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. And your death will only appease him a little. However, you’ll never even know he has a grudge against you. A Scorpio bastard won’t confront you openly. That would be too much like fair play. He’s more likely to watch and wait – decades if necessary – for the chance to launch an attack when you’re not paying attention. And when it finally hits, it’ll make a stealth bomber look weak and clumsy.

Unfortunately, because of the amount of literature (if books featuring Fabio on the cover, count as literature) you’ve absorbed, you’ll class all his behavior as normal. You’ll revel in all the angst. Being miserable all the time must mean it’s true love. This is all so romantic. You’ll even be flattered by his possessiveness (despite the fact that you’re not allowed to go anywhere of see anyone). It means he can’t bear to be without you. Of course, he can’t bear to be with you either – not when there are still so many things wrong with you.

He’ll manipulate you until you become exactly what he wants you to be. Then he’ll lose respect for you, as you’re so easily manipulated. Then he’ll start looking around for someone else to manipulate. This is when you start looking around too. For reputable psychiatric help. Because, in the midst of torturing you, Scorpio will suddenly turn into a model of gentleness and consideration. He’ll even be kind to animals (standard behavior for all romantic hero types – designed to suck you into believing they have a soft, sensitive side). Don’t be fooled. Its just part if the callous game he’s playing with your mental and emotional health. His objective is to annihilate you. But if he can make you believe he is capable of such an act, it makes it all so much more fun when he actually does destroy you.

And destroy you he will. This is what Scorpio does best. And besides, its how he likes to spend his spare time. Once you are a broken mess on the floor he’ll pick you up and glue the pieces, so you are whole once more, and he can start all over again. He takes his hobby very seriously. It brings him hours of enjoyment and allows him to explore his destructive talents. And you’ll get something out of it too. A hobby of your own: a lifelong obsession with him. Which allows you to spend your spare time in expensive 12-step programs undergoing extensive counselling. Check into group therapy when you find yourself getting upset just because he is sleeping with other women. It’s really none of your business. You are only his girlfriend / wife / mother of his children. And anyway, you’ll meet his mistress soon enough when she joins the group after she discovers he is doing the same thing to her. Then you can console each other about your mutual stupidity. You’ll both be introduced to a nationwide Unhealthily Obsessed Co-dependant Support Network for Women who have dated Scorpio. It comes with a 24-hour hotline, which you’ll put to very good use. (This is a free-of-charge service, one of many sponsored by the Aspiring Romantic Novelists Association who use it for research purposes.)

The reason Scorpio inspires such obsessive behavior is because he is so obsessive himself – about sex. He thinks about it twice as much as other men, which basically means it’s on his mind all the time. Which makes him the blueprint for the complete and utter bastard. Which in turn, makes women think he’s sexy. Which therefore means he really can’t help but catch one or two of the airborne little-black-dress-clad oestrogen packages continually heading his way. (Warning: Don’t be tempted to have an affair yourself to get back at your Scorpio bastard. Right now, you’re in no emotional state to witness a jealous streak the size of the San Andreas Fault. This is probably unnecessary advice, as you won’t have time between those ever-increasing therapy sessions and that compulsive shopping habit you recently developed. And, lets face it, the nervous twitch and chronic alcoholism aren’t exactly going to be attracting men in droves.)

If it helps your sanity, blame the other poor, obsessed women. Or their therapists. Or the government. Or, better yet, blame yourself. No one forced you to read all those ridiculous love stories. You wanted a club-wielding, hair-dragging, heroic bastard. You’ve got him. Now you have to live with him. So, just throw yourself into his arms or under the next passing truck. Either way, the ending will be the same.

HOW TO SPOT ONE
When a Scorpio bastard looks at you, you will feel a strong urge to shed your underwear. He will have this baffling effect upon you, even if you’re in a very public place and you find him most unattractive.

WHERE TO FIND ONE
Follow the trail of emotional wrecks to his door. Or, better still, let him find you. Because then, at least, you won’t be the one who started the relationship which ruined your life.

HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Be sunny and happy and full of life. He won’t be able to resist the challenge of luring you into the pits of hell. Once there, just be whatever he wants you to be. Holding onto your personality will only cause you a lot of unnecessary pain.

THE FIRST DATE
Scorpio will charm you into submission. Or else he’ll worm his way into your life and affections without you noticing – like cancer or some other terminal disease. And after just one date, he’ll know everything there is to know about you, and you’ll know absolutely nothing about him. This sets the tone for the entire relationship.

WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Because Scorpio has so many hidden agendas, you’ll never be able to pick the right time. So go to bed when he wants to, generally just after you’ve been introduced. (Tip: When you do it, make like a porn star, but somehow give the impression you’ve never done it before.)

WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
When you feel the inclination to do this, have yourself committed.

IF HE DROPS YOU
Trying to exact revenge will only serve to amuse Scorpio, as your attempts will seem so amateur. Besides, he’ll be flattered he still has total control over your emotions and your life. On the other hand, running after him, doing your best impersonation of a doormat will only invite him to clean his boots on you. Don’t waste your energy. You’ll need it over the next few years, just to get through therapy.

IF YOU DROP HIM
He’ll get over it. If, however, he thinks you’ve slighted him, its best to watch out for yourself and take extra precautions for the next ten or 20 years – at least.

15 comments
  1. Ginger said:

    Omg, this is the pattern I see with a Scorpio I am leaving……… I am a 48 year old cancer women. I am fed up off and on 6 months…… On to the next one…… Let him put the nail in the coffin, play dead and move on…….. Don’t look back sometimes you have to loose the war to winter war…….. Let others love you.. Share the love and be happy

  2. Anonymous said:

    Oh boy, I am possibly getting started with one.. Well it kind of started over a year ago but due to a move and his attempts at mind-bending it’s been draggggged out. We are young, 21 and 22, so maybe we can stop the bad habits before they get started.. prevention… but, ohhhh boy, a lot of this rings true. The possessiveness. We don’t even have an agreement to each other but the shielding from other men (or attempts. i am so far away :P) are there. And flattering, at this distance. Maybe if we can keep this thing relatively sane without letting it heat up too quick, this article won’t apply!

  3. Tripnik said:

    Wow…. My Scorpio to the core.. He’s in jail for domestic violence on me… After only 10 months of dating

  4. Anonymous said:

    This is so accurate i couldn’t stop laughing!! Especially the HOW TO SPOT ONE section. Unbelievable! Is it too late to run and never look back??

  5. Anonymous said:

    Omg.. This describes my scorpio completely. Been off and on with him for about 8 years. And as a Capricorn, he can be too much to deal with at times.

  6. April said:

    WOW!!! What a waste of a life an ne e r find true happiness. He tried to play me I called him out on his B S. He went silent, no fighting back nothing. Should I be worried?

    • Anonymous said:

      yes mam april
      I am a scorpio
      that mf is just testing you with the silence
      ….I would say slowly let him go….. very slowly and make him happy so he won’t think twice to come back at ya lol

  7. ocolshit said:

    Just remember everyone this is just the dark side of Scorpio men ;) They have so many redeeming qualities like loyalty, depth of love, passion, and confidence!

  8. ayy, im a scorpio, im 19 years old, and most of that is true, but its only like that because of bad experiences we been through, we are more then the dark side that ever one points out, who don’t have a darkside? like scarface say ”you need people like me to point your finger at and say that’s the bad guy”. but really most woman want control and want a nigga to just give in, it don’t work like that

    • Goddess69 said:

      Some women want to give the control to their man, granted he’s trustworthy and has the vision to lead us I’m the right direction. That’s why Scorpio men are good with cancer women. I’m in no way weak but I’m feminine and lovely enough to let a man be a man. Even at 19, you sound very strong in your words. I hope you sore like an eagle and never crawl like a lizard, no matter what life deals you.
      Take care, young Sir.
      Scem629@gmail.com

  9. Jamie said:

    A little one sided, we Scorpio men are bastards and that’s it! they’re are so much good about Scorpios, just don’t wrong them.

    • Oh I know.. This is quite funny to read but obviously an exaggeration. I’m dating a scorpio man now and he’s lovely.

      • Anonymous said:

        Just seems a bit harsh, makes me feel bad

  10. maria said:

    my god.i just got saved from entering into a relatiopnship with this fu****ng scorpio bastard…they are really mean.plz girls if u r fun loving person dont ever commit to a scorpio.

  11. Anonymous said:

    damn. this was hilarious and slightly terrifying at the same time. as a cancer i’ve fallen for a scorpio and it’s a constant battle of emotions with him. he’s just hiding things and playing it cool because he’s been hurt before (obviously) and thinks that all women run game so he has to do that same.

    as far as them being mean, he says slick things out of his mouth that i often overlook, i don’t feel damaged by it. i am a caring and sharing kind of girl but i also have a sense of humor and grain of sarcasm that carries me. i find that it’s just (telling the truth) that they can’t handle so actually they’re the ones who lose and not us.

    if you’re the type of girl that needs constant attention then being with a scorpio is not for you. when they GIVE you the attention it’s addictive but sooner or later it falls off, suddenly, and you’re left wondering what happened and why you’re so hooked on it in the first place? they commit themselves to a lot of things unnecessarily because they like adventure even though they seem stand off-ish, but that will get in the way of his ability to commit his time and efforts to you fully.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 120 other followers

%d bloggers like this: